But God

“Well, what do you think?” my therapist asked as she put the cap back on a white board marker.   

A timeline of my life spanned the width of the eight-foot wide whiteboard.  While there were happy times identified, the entries in red—the times of grief—seemed to dominate the color of my life events.

I snatched another tissue out of the box.  Seeing all the hard moments mapped in one place rendered me speechless.  Grief isn’t just the death of a loved one, it also includes betrayal, rejection, separation, transition, harsh words, disappointment, unfulfilled longings, misplaced dreams, and lost hope.

“But God.” I squeaked and gestured to the board.  “All of this—all these heavy and hard things—how am I still standing and not curled up in the fetal position in the dark?”

My therapist nodded.  “Tell me.”

“As I look back at each of these moments in time, I vividly remember how I felt. Yet at the same time, in hindsight, I see how God was working it all out for my good.  When my marriage ended?  I felt unloved and rejected, but God lavished me in His unfailing love.  When my parents died, I felt orphaned, but God has shown me He’s very present.  My years of infertility?  I felt defeated, but God taught me to be resilient.  The miscarriages?  I longed to be a mother, but God spared me the pain of shared custody.  In the hard workplace, He taught me to be persistent in prayer.  In the painful childhood transitions, He taught me to endure, and even made my heart tender toward the “new kids.” And that’s just off the top of my head...”

“And?”

“And I’ve always known God was involved in the details of my life, but to see it all plotted out linearly is powerful. It’s a reminder that He doesn’t waste my pain. Where I can only see snippets of time, God sees my every breath—my every experience—from beginning to end.  When I experience grief, I need to process it, but not let it paralyze me.  And while I’d like to opt out of future hard stuff, I can’t.  But I can remember His faithfulness to me in the past and know He will be faithful to me in the present and the future.”

She pointed at the timeline. “With your awareness, does that change the way you see this?”

I nodded.  “I’ve been stuck by carrying the collective weight of all the hard things, disappointments, loss and grief.  But God doesn’t expect for me to carry it alone—or to even carry it at all.  My life story is one of good things, God’s blessings, abundant gain and unextinquishable hope.”

She smiled.  “Your homework is to go back to each of these life events—the good and bad—and to discover the “but God” takeaway for each one.”

And I did.

Know what I discovered?  That God loves me with an everlasting love.  I am created in His image.  I am chosen by Him.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am the apple of His eye.  I am His beloved. He sings over me. He is always with me. He is faithful and true.  He leads me beside sitll waters.  He will never leave me nor forsake me. He bottles my tears.  He will direct my path.  He will make His way known. He knows the number of hair on my head. He listens.  He calls me His own.  He has a good plan for me.  He makes beauty from ashes.  He walks with me.  He pursues me.  He considers me worthy.  He covers me with His pinions.  He is my shield and my safe place.  He goes before me, walks with me and is my rear guard.  He makes me stand firm.  He makes me brave. Nothing will happen to me that hasn’t been lovingly sifted through His hands.  He knows the longings of my heart.  He is my friend, my God and my Savior.

And the list is endless.

My trials may be big, but God is bigger.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which he loved us, even though we were dead in offenses, made us alive together with Christ–by grace you are saved!–Eph. 2:4-5.