I was recently asked to share in our Sunday morning connection group about a time when God called me to do something and how I responded to the call. I chose to share a recent calling. It's actually a three-part calling, where one act of obedience built on to another. This post is a bit different than my usual blog; this is my journey to the call of obedience, the how I "got there."
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I was storm-tossed and weary. Not only had I retired from a 41-year career and was struggling to find my purpose, in a span of 14 months, I'd lost my father, mother, two uncles, an aunt, and two friends. In the midst of my grief, I was trying to settle my parents' estate and help my sister and niece adjust to life's radical upheaval.
I spent a lot of time in prayer. One morning the Lord clearly revealed I needed to make some changes and deal with my strongholds: specifically, my presumed responsibilities. Despite my perception, I was not the fix-it queen. I was not the solution — the answer — to everyone's problems and every situation. And He was calling me to make significant changes.
As prompted, I stepped down as class director. I stepped away from commitment. I stopped saying yes to please others.
On March 13, Beth, the Pastor's executive assistant, unexpectedly died. She was my friend and her death put me in a whirl. I questioned why the Lord took her, someone with such purpose and such influence. I knew her death was going to leave a huge void in Pastor's life, personally and professionally.
Immediately, I began to pray. "Lord, it would be easy for me to step in and help. I have years of experience as a commanding officer's executive assistant, so I'm qualified and could do the job effectively."
But God's answer was clear: I was not the solution to this tragic situation.
Just after Beth's funeral, on several occasions, I had friends approach me and tell me that they thought I needed to go to work for Pastor. After all, I was retired and had the required experience.
I wrestled with the "pleasing others" thing. I wanted to say yes because they wanted me to say yes. But I knew the answer was no.
This scenario repeated several times over the following months. Each time, I knew the answer was still no. And saying no was still hard.
Finally, people stopped asking. I was relieved the situation was resolved and I had been steadfast.
And then came that Sunday morning in July. After service, Pastor stopped me. My heart quickened. I knew what he was going to ask. How was I going to say no to Pastor?
But he didn't ask me outright to come to work for him. He asked me to pray about meeting with him to discuss the possibility of helping him out on an interim basis.
I agreed to pray — if for no other reason than to buy time on how to tell him no.
I'd like to say I went confidently and quietly into my prayer time, but the truth was, I was in a full-on spin and spewing panicked questions.
Lord, why? After You had made it so clear that I was to say no to all commitments? To say no when others had encouraged me to approach Pastor? Why now? How am I going to tell him no? Someone I greatly respect and admire?
I had a peace about "just" meeting with him to hear his needs. And in that meeting, we agreed to continue to seek God's will and meet again.
While I am prone to seeking the counsel of godly friends, this time I sensed that I was to be quiet and wait on the Holy Spirit alone. So, I journaled, prayed, and read Scripture. One morning, I was reading in Isaiah 6, when verse 8 seemed to jump off the page:
"Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
Isaiah was willing to be obedient. I, too, wanted to be obedient. Willingly obedient. I wanted to be in God's will.
I searched Scripture for others who had willingly said "Here I am."
In Genesis 22, when the Lord called to Abraham, he responded, "Here I am." Abraham responded to God's call and offered Isaac as a sacrifice.
In Genesis 31, when God called to Jacob in a vision, Jacob said "Here I am." He responded to God's call and returned to the land of his birth.
Exodus 3 tells about God calling to Moses from the midst of a burning bush. Moses answered, “Here I am.” After initially protesting because he didn't feel qualified, Moses responded to God's call and led His people out of Egypt.
In the book of Samuel, Samuel said "Here I am" and responded to God's call and spoke the words the Lord gave him to speak.
In Acts 9, when the Lord spoke to Ananias in a vision, he said “Here I am, Lord.” While at first hesitant — out of caution — Ananias responded to God's call and went to minister to Saul.
Each of these men knew God. They knew His voice. They trusted Him. And because of that trust, they were willing to do hard and unexpected things they didn't understand. They chose to be willingly obedient and responded to God's call.
I wrestled with how to reconcile my here-I-am-send-me-desire with knowing God had me in a season of saying no.
And then the Holy Spirit made it clear:
My season of saying no was so I would learn to quiet the sound of others' voices so that I could clearly hear God's voice. I had to stop saying yes to expected commitments so I would be available for God's unexpected opportunities. God was teaching me to say no to others so I could say yes to Him.
The next Sunday, I approached Pastor. I told him that when he was ready to meet again, my answer was yes.
So I went to work for Pastor. We agreed that I would work until December and then re-evaluate the situation.
Working on staff was an amazing experience. I enjoyed the work. I enjoyed the people. I had a chance to be involved in some really big things and ministry opportunities. And The Lord did some amazing things in me personally.
Yet, as December approached, unquestionably, I "knew that I knew" my time as Pastor's assistant was coming to an end.
And while I didn't doubt the Holy Spirit's direction, I DID struggle with knowing, if asked to stay on, I would have to tell Pastor "no."
But I also knew that disobedience -- even for a really good reason -- was still disobedience.
So when I was asked to stay on staff, I chose to be obedient to God's calling of stepping away. I said no.
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