Why Not Me?
Last year, 2019, was a hard year. And it ended hard. Sort of.
When I was in Virginia for Christmas, my mother was admitted to the hospital with high blood pressure and extreme confusion. Thankfully, her BP came down quickly and it was determined, at some point in time, Mom had stopped taking her meds…BP, thyroid and potassium. Her brain was undergoing a massive chemical imbalance which was causing her confusion.
I prayed about coming home early, but I had an unexplainable peace that I needed to stay. While we didn’t know if Mom’s altered mental status was reversible, I knew, regardless, it would be okay.
As much as I wanted her to be healed, and I prayed earnestly for her healing, for the first time in my life that I knew I meant it, I ended my prayer with a sincere “yet, Lord, Thy will be done.”
I can’t even begin to understand the mysteries of God. Why in some situations He will choose to do the miraculous right before our eyes, yet other times He chooses to do the miraculous in the heavenlies for His eyes only. For the past 25 years, since I – the prodigal – fell on my knees and made the decision to follow the Lord alone, I have learned of His faithfulness. I have read repeatedly in His word that He has a good plan for my life. He is trustworthy. His lovingkindness is everlasting. He will not leave me or forsake me. Nothing, absolutely nothing will separate me from Him. I said with my lips that I trust Him with my eternity, so why did I struggle to trust Him with my earthly days?
The hardships of the seven previous months, and the lessons learned, were all preparation for this very time, bringing me to the point of total surrender and trust. In all areas. In all things. And I instantly thought, as hard as all this was, why not me – my family – be the one to walk this road?
Up until this year, my 81-year old parents have been aging quietly and without any significant medical issues. Early last year, I lost a dear friend close to my age to cancer. A friend’s sister-in-law, in her early 60s, is declining with ALS. My cousin was 22 when my aunt died back in 1984, and my paternal grandmother died when my aunt was 20; neither knew their mother as an adult. Several other friends my age have already lost their parents, and several others are walking with their parents through Alzheimers and failing health.
I have had the blessing of having my parents around for 58 years - good years. If I am truly surrendered and trusting the Lord, I knew I could not ask for anything other than for His perfect will to be done. I knew – know – that He is working out His good and perfect plan for my mother. He cares for her and loves her more than we do. He knows the number of days He has planned for her and what each day holds.
When I stopped by rehab after church last Sunday, Mom was alert, and for first time in two weeks, was making more sense. Her mental status continues to improve. She got to come home two days ago, and while she has moments of not-connecting-all-the-dots, she is doing remarkably well and is almost “Mom.”
I am beyond grateful that the Lord has chosen to allow her mind to heal. I am humbled by God’s favor and blessing. Even more, I can’t describe how amazing it is to be consumed with the Peace that surpasses all understanding. And I ponder why God has chosen to fill me with His perfect peace? Why He has chosen to show me such grace and mercy, not just in this situation, but in all things?
Yet, again, why not me?
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33