Changed

“So you never found a man?”  He asked.

There was a collective gasp around the table.  It was the first time I’d seen him—the ex-husband of my longtime friend—in almost two decades. We were in the fellowship hall for the meal following the baby dedication of his granddaughter.

I quickly pondered my response.  After more than 30 years of being single again, I’ve heard that question—or variations of it—a hundred times.  I have several canned responses depending on the situation.  This one called for a direct response.

“Why would I be looking for a man? I don’t need one.”  I held eye contact for a moment before glancing around the table.  His sister was focused on her plate.  His brother-in-law looked amused.

“Oh?” He questioned.

“I’ve done well without one, so why would I need one?” His sister chuckled and quickly covered her mouth with her napkin.  She smiled with her eyes.   

He cleared his throat.  It was the first time I’d ever seen him at a loss for words.  “Well, the last time I saw you, you were looking for a man.”

Truer words were never spoken.  I had been looking for a man—but not just any man.  I was continually scanning the horizon for a God-fearing prince who would ride up on his noble steed, sweep me off my feet, and whisk me away to his castle.  I knew such men existed because I’d witnessed it firsthand.  In a relatively short period of time, several of my friends left me sitting solo on the church pew when their handsome knight entered the picture. I was desperate for my turn.

To say I wrestled with the Lord about my still single status would be an understatement.  I begged, pleaded, urged, and pouted for years.  Then one night at a ladies’ conference, the worship leader, while leading us in a song of thanksgiving, prompted us to pause and “ask the Lord what we need to thank Him for.”  I wasn’t prepared for what the Lord spoke to my heart—and His words sent me tearfully to my knees, and put my world into a wild spin.  A spin that made me physically and emotionally sick.   Thank Him for my singleness?  How could I thank Him for something I didn’t want?

Yet that night was the beginning of me learning the difference between reluctantly surrendering and willingly surrendering my desires, hopes, and dreams.  I was a slow learner—actually, I was outright stubborn—and, for a few more years, held tight to what I wanted: to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.  I wasn’t willing to accept any other option.   Gradually, I began to grow weary of keeping my fists clenched, my arms crossed, and my heels dug in to the soil of determination.  Obstinacy wasn’t accomplishing my goal, nor was it convincing God that my plan was best.  So, I let go and stopped looking…well, honestly, it was more like “fine, I’ll do it Your way, God.” I didn’t immediately become content in my singleness, but my mindset did shift to a season of “not quite discouraged, but not quite hope-filled.”  As the years faded into a decade, and then another, when I willingly embraced my singleness, my hope prevailed.  I realized that no matter how good I think my plan is, God’s plans and ways are always infinitely better.

“You’re right,” I said as I took a swallow of my tea. “I was looking for a man—and I still am.  A reliable handyman.  Any recommendations?”

His silence and blank expression meant either he didn’t have a sarcastic comeback, or he was perplexed by the change in me.  Or perhaps both.

The woman he knew was terrified of being alone and needed a husband to take care of her.  The woman sitting beside him knows that she is never alone and that God will take care of her.  The old me was afraid of navigating life as a single woman. Now, I thank God for my singleness.  And, truthfully, the thought of remarriage will instantly put my world into a nauseating spin.

And I’m still looking for a reliable handyman.  Any recommendations?

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways,

And My thoughts than your thoughts.

-  Isaiah 55:8-9