Updated: Mar 15, 2019
The past two weeks have been difficult. Not because of any single significant bad event, but because every single thing has been hard. Simple things have been complicated.
I’ve had to deal with car trouble and arrange for roof repair. I must decide what to do about the inside mess the leaky roof created. I’ve stared at a big pile of dirt in the front yard for over a month, left behind from an expensive, mandatory sewer hook-up. I am still waiting for the landscaper to show up. I’ve botched familiar recipes and then felt guilty when opting for take-out. I’ve been burdened for sick friends and for the sick family members of friends. I’ve spoken when I should have been silent and been silent when I should have spoken. I’ve tried to fix problems that weren’t mine to fix. I’ve offended when I tried to help and I have offended because I didn’t offer to help. I feel obligated to always say yes. I’ve forgotten things. I’ve lost things: a favorite bracelet, my joy, my peace. I feel like I have been climbing up a steep, mud-covered mountain. I’m out of breath and when I’m not stuck in the muck, I’m sliding backwards. And I am done.
Then I realized I was the one who had made things hard. I had fallen back into an old, unhealthy habit of wrestling with perceptions and expectations. I had taken on responsibilities that did not belong to me. I had tried to be all things to all people and felt I had to do it all. I had not been discerning about obligations. I had not taken time to be still.
So, on this beautiful February afternoon, I am sitting quietly on the porch. In the distance, I hear the song of my favorite bird, the Carolina Chickadee. The breeze is gently blowing wispy white clouds across the blue sky. Hints of spring are in the air, offering renewal and the promise of things to come. As I do what I love most, and sense I have been called to do, joy is returning. Peace is settling my harried heart. And even now, at this very moment, a dove is cooing.
I just needed to be still and know that He is God.
Be still, and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10