Cast Yesterday in the Deep

The year was 1999.  I’d returned to Hawaii for my 20^th high school reunion.  After a busy weekend of laughter and fun, I’d finally made it back to the beach where I’d spent most of my time: North Beach on Marine Corp Base Hawaii.

I stood at the top of the hill overlooking the Pacific Ocean, taking it all in. The late afternoon sunlight painted the water a silvery-blue and diamond-like sparkles danced on the rolling surf.

Little had changed over the decades.  A narrow, sandy footpath still weaved downhill through the dense beach shrubs.  The shoreline was unchanged.  Waves were still breaking and thundering against the rust-colored reef.  The air was still heavy with the scent of salt-water.   Even the old barnacle-covered concrete jetty, a remnant from the WW2-era, stood strong.

Happy memories crowded my mind.  Countless hours spent sprawled on my beachtowel.  Sun warming my skin.  Tunes by the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, and the Beach Boys blaring from my pocket-size transistor radio.  Salt-water and sun-induced naps.  Conversations with my besties. Giggles. Tear-producing, side-cramping, snorting laughter.  Whispered dreams. Comfortable silence.

Unexpected emotions swamped my memory-feed—with such intensity that I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.  Hard times had often sent me running to the beach, seeking solace for my troubled teenaged heart, and where my tears were free to flow.  In that moment I was 16 again—and  I was overwhelmed by all those old feelings at once.  Disappointment. Frustration. Insecurity. Anxiety.  Heartache. Desperation. Loneliness.

I focused on the view, hoping to avert a panic attack.   Yet it was if the pain of my teenaged yesterdays were floating on the water’s surface, taunting me, mocking me, and reminding me of all the things I had wanted to forget.  I wanted to flee, but I couldn’t move.

Then, just as suddenly as the wave of troubled waters had consumed and clouded my mind, I had a clear and keen awareness: I was still drowning from the weight of my fractured adolescent dreams, unfulfilled expectations and tainted perceptions.

“Cast yesterday into the deep.”

While not audible, the Voice in the depth of my spirit was deafening.

Cast yesterday in the deep?  I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I just stood there, watching the waves web and flow as I processed the unmistakeable command of the Lord.

And then in a matter of moments, I “just knew.”  I wasn’t to forget my past, I was to filter all those old memories—both good and bad—through God’s truth.  If the memory was healthy, pure, and edifying, then it was safe to keep.  But I needed to cast away those memories that weighed me down: the tainted perceptions that fueled destructive self-talk; the unfulfilled expectations that were unending stumbling blocks; and the disappointment of fractured dreams that discouraged me from dreaming new dreams.

I clinched my eyes and mentally scooped up my hurtful memories. Then I opened my eyes and—with all my mind’s strength—hurled it all into the Pacific.

I stood quietly, waiting…for what? I wasn’t sure.

I watched the waves crest, curl and crash on the shore.  I scanned the far horizon to where my imaginary throw had landed my collective hurts: into the midst of the deep, dark waters.  Far away.  Out of reach.  Below the water’s surface.  Now rendered powerless.

The sun slipped behind the Ko’olau Mountains. The air was still heavy with the scent of salt-water.  The dusky evening sky was blurring the lines of the horizon; the mountains, sky and water were quickly becoming indistinguishable from one another.

I took one last look at the beautiful, familiar view.

Little had changed; yet everything had radically changed.

I was leaving my yesterdays behind.

Now, I was free to receive my tomorrows.

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,

press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

~ Philippians 3:13-14